2009年第2次 You Translate 翻译擂台点评

 

优秀译文

济南Ellie

Having this in mind, I feel moodiness very much. Life is too weak, it is no more strong than a flower to withstand the time, wind and rain. To review life with the eyes admiring the nature makes me have to found the value of passion, and regard the coincidence between people as important. The second coincidence in the same people and thing does not exist. I have only seen the full moon once in my life. I have also comforted myself, I said, "I have crossed many bridges in different places, seen the cloud many times, and drunk a lot of kinds of the wine, but only loved one person who was in the most proper age. I should rejoice for myself, …" It is also no use to comfort myself like this. I can't endure this kind of feeling just like "the moving swiftly of life" to show happiness. My moon is full and blight only in my memory. Of course you needn't feel apologetic for this sorrow. Because it dose not due to whether you love me.

外编点评：译得不错，主要问题如下：

1、要注意措辞，例如：“moodiness”在英语中的意思是“性情乖戾、坏脾气”，而译文中想表达的意思是“沮丧、悲哀”。

2、要注意比较级的正确形式，例如应该是“it is no stronger”而不是“it is no more strong”；

3、翻译时可以运用否定意义的词汇来取得相反的效果，例如本句可以译成it is as weak as/it is as frail as（跟……一样的脆弱）。

4、有些表达过于直白，例如“eyes admiring the nature”和“the moving swiftly of life”，后者说成“the uncertainty of life”会更好。

5、要注意一些拼写错误，如blight（应为bright）、dose（应为does）。过于依赖电脑拼写检查程序的一大弊端就是检查程序常常会将拼写错误的单词自动修正成另外一个与上下文无关的正确词汇。

 

北京 深海的鱼

I am very depressed when I think about these trivia. Life is as fragile as a flower that could hardly endure various tests by time and tide. Track back to my life, I have to admit that how precious the passion is and I think highly of those relationships that happens in coincidence. But here is no same coincidence happen twice. For me, I only appreciate the full moon once in my life. I have comforted myself by saying "I have been so many places, seen clear and beautiful clouds for so many times and tasted so many various wines, but I only love one woman who is just in her best age. I should appreciate it and feel lucky for myself…" however, those comforted words are useless, life is uncertainty for me and I couldn't smile tolerantly. It's pit that the bright full moon only shines in my memory, but you needn't feel guilty for not loving me.

外编点评：译得非常好。主要问题如下：

1、 尽量不要将连词如“but”作为句子的开头。

2、 某些地方丢掉了“have's”，如“I have only appreciated the full moon”、“I have only loved one woman”。

3、 有些地方的时态也有些混乱，如应将“I couldn't smile tolerantly”改为现在时态 “I can't smile tolerantly”。Coincidence用词不当，改为“relationships that happen by chance”会更好。

4、 要注意形容词的修饰对象，例如“comforted words”的意思是“词本身被安慰了”，应改为“words of comfort（安慰的话）”。

 

上海 Vera Liu

Thinking of these I fell into deep sadness. Life is too fragile a thing, not even stronger than a flower to stand years of storm. When looking back into life with eyes falling for the nature, I can not help feeling the preciousness of passion, and come to cherish more the imbroglio of coincidence between people.

To the same person or thing no identical coincidence will happen again. In my whole life I only saw the full moon for once. I used to console myself by saying: "I have walked through bridges of many places, seeing clouds for many times and drunk wine of many types, but I only fell in love with one girl at her most beautiful age of life. I should have congratulated myself for this......" However, such self comfort still failed in vain. With daunting feelings like "uncertainty of life" I can no longer stand to put on an air of cheerfulness. The bright full moon is only left in my memory. Naturally you don't need to feel sorry for my gloom, as it has nothing to do with your love for me.

外编点评：译得非常好，译文大部分条理分明，通俗易懂，但是也有一些小问题：

1、 例如“a flower to stand years of storm”让人感到困惑不解并且不是很恰当，此句最好说成“it can no more stand years of storm than a flower”或者“it's as weak as a flower before the storm”。

2、 此外“过桥”习惯说成“walks over/across bridges”而不是“walk through”。

3、 另外“Nothing to do with your love for me”所表达的意思是对方确实爱他，最好译成“whether or not you love me”。